Meaning and a Message in the Madness

Ya'll, God is doing so much in my heart right now, I don't even know where to start.  I know that I have 2 sick kiddos and a messy house that need tending to, and a house-warming party this afternoon and a 20-year reunion tonight to prepare for, but I can't not write. So here I am...

I can't really begin at the beginning, because the beginning is way too long ago and so many things have happened in between, so instead I'll begin with today.  Today, I was behind in my Bible reading for the week and had to finish Jeremiah and read the entire book of Lamentations (thankfully it's only 5 chapters) to catch up.  I was a little overwhelmed by that, but I'm determined to finish this plan and actually read the Bible in one year this time.  I've made it 9 months without missing a day, 3/4 of the way, so I can't give up now! I've gotten behind on days where there's a lot to read or I've overslept or just don't feel well, but I've always managed to catch up, thankfully.  So, today was catch up day.  This isn't the first time that I am confident I was behind for a reason.  Today's Bible reading and weekly lesson in The Bible in 52 Weeks fit perfectly with what transpired last night and what happened earlier in the day yesterday.  If I had read Lamentations on schedule, I might have missed the message God had for me.   

You see, if you've never read Lamentations, it is a book of great sorrow, hence the name Lamentations.  God's chosen people have chosen sin over Him, time and time again, and now they are reaping the punishment they so deserve.  However, God has not forgotten them.  In the midst of the sorrow, there is also hope, and so many famous verses (and song lyrics) come from Lamentations.  Here are a few:

"Because of the Lord's great love for us, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

"I called on your name, Lord, from the depths of the pit.  You heard my plea: 'Do not close your ears to my cry for relief.' You came near when I called you, and you said, 'Do not fear.' You, Lord, took up my case; you redeemed my life." - Lamentations 3:55-58

This verse is probably one most people take figuratively, because haven't we all been in the "depths of the pit" at some point.  However, I just finished the book of Jeremiah today, so his story is fresh in my mind.  For Jeremiah, this wasn't just figurative.  Jeremiah 38 tells the story of how he was literally thrown into a pit (a muddy cistern) and left there for quite some time, simply because he was a messenger of the Lord, and the people didn't want to hear his prophetic word, because he spoke the Truth, unlike all the false prophets of that time.  According to Dr. Kimberly D. Moore, author of The Bible in 52 Weeks, "He knew he was doing the right thing, and yet he found himself in this dark place in his life. And what did he do?  He cried out to God."  This really hit home to me today, and I'll explain why later on.  She goes on to say, "I've had to learn that if God has allowed me to be in that space, He has a purpose for it," and "It doesn't always feel good, but it works for your good.  And if you can endure the process, you'll soon see the purpose of it all."  Wow, wow, wow.  God wanted me to hear that message today, and I feel like He wants me to share it with you.

And this is why.  Last night, I had to run in Walmart, running around, like a chicken with its head cut off as usual. When I got to the self-checkout, I realized I didn’t have my wallet with me. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened, but I actually like telling the truth. It has happened A LOT lately!  (a little back story: I have magnetic wallet that attaches to my phone.  For a long time, I never removed it, so I always had my wallet with me.  However, my hips started hurting more than normal, so I try to take the wallet off so I'm not sitting so crazy when my phone is in my back pocket.  I got so used to never needing to grab my wallet, that now I'm finding myself failing at breaking that habit).  

So anyway, I asked the lovely attendant to watch my cart while I ran to the car, frustrated at myself. It was already late.  I was buying stuff to cook for Aaron for his birthday dinner.  The boys are sick, so we couldn't go out to eat as we originally planned.  Earlier in the week, I had no intention of going to Walmart on a Friday night... but, as He often does, God had a plan that I was unaware of.  As I was walking back in, this young man smiled brightly at me and I could see that he thought he recognized me.  I smiled back, but I was honestly just being polite.  We ended up walking side-by-side as we walked back into the store. As we were walking, he said, “I think you used to be my teacher.” Honestly at first, I wasn't sure since I didn’t recognize him, but I didn’t want to be rude, so I said, “I think so! What was your name again?” And he replied “Leo.” Immediately, it all came back to me, and I said, "Leo!!! Yes, I remember you!  You're just all grown up now!"  

I didn't share with him why I really remembered him, but I'll share it with you: When I taught at the high school, my first year was rough. Like really rough.  I had taught 3rd grade at Hilltop Elementary for 6 years and had an evening job teaching reading for the Adult Ed program.  I LOVED it.  It was so rewarding.  I was ready for a change from elementary school when I heard about an opening to teach Intensive Reading at the high school.  After my experience with Adult Ed, I thought it sounded like a dream.  Ha!  It turned out to be more like a nightmare.  Leo was in one of my roughest classes, which happened to be 7th period. I distinctly remember a day when they were not with it more that normal.  We were going over an assignment, and Leo was one of many, who was totally tuning me out.  It wasn't hard.  I was basically giving them the answers.  But they flat refused to do anything.  I told them, in my boldest 28-year-old voice, "I don’t care if the bell rings, you’re not leaving until you finish these last few questions."  Mind you, these were seniors, many of them already adults.  What was I thinking?  Anyway, something about that really ticked Leo off. And he just stood up and started telling me that I couldn’t do that. I told him if he didn’t stop, I was going have to write him up… and he didn’t stop. After a few seconds, something clicked in him that he would rather have OSS so he could stay home for a few days instead of ACE, where he'd be stuck at school, so he shared that with the whole class and threw in a few rather choice words so the severity of the offense was much more intense.  I remember, shaking and wanting to cry, but I waited until they left. After teaching at the elementary school and adults, I had no idea that I’d ever be cussed out. I was so excited for this job.  I knew God had called me there.  I couldn't understand why I'd find myself in such a dark place. It truly took me by surprise. I remember leaning on the wall by the door as soon as the last student left and just sobbing.  Thankfully that was my last class of the day. I wanted to leave that year, and oh I tried.  I applied at another school.  I met with the principal and curriculum coach.  I toured my new classroom.  I had all but packed my bags. Just call me Jonah running from Ninevah... but the principal wouldn’t let me run away. She said I already signed a contract for the year, and I couldn't just switch schools without her permission, which she refused to grant.  So I stuck it out, by force more than choice. Leo ended up getting  ACE or OSS, I honestly don’t even remember. I know he was out of my class for a few days, but when he returned, I had had time to come to my senses. We talked about how every day is a new day. We all make mistakes. But what was done was done and we couldn’t change it, but we could move on.  

I don't remember much more about Leo that year.  I do know he never cussed me out again. By the end of the year I received the sweetest picture frame of letters from 3 girls in another class.  One of them said I inspired her and made her feel she really could change the world.  I remember going back over my lesson plans to figure out when I would have done such a thing, and to this day, I don't really know.  I do know that I was in a dark place, and it was hard, but that doesn't mean it was wrong.  I also know God keeps His promises, and He promises us in Romans 8:28: "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  We might not know what that purpose is, but as I quoted Dr. Moore earlier, "If God has allowed me to be in that space, He has a purpose for it."  I ended up staying at the high school for 8 years.  They were hard and were far from perfect, but every year, something happened in the midst of the madness that reminded me I was where God wanted me to be, that reminded me that just because something is hard doesn't mean it's wrong.

When I saw Leo yesterday, he had no memory of ever hurting my feelings. That was in the past. He was just so excited to see me and hugged me multiple times. We talked about how he’s doing now, and honestly it could not have made me prouder of who he turned out to be.  He is now 28 years old himself, which he said he couldn't believe.  Me either, because that means I was his teacher about 10 years ago!!  And, that was the age I was at the time.  He is now working at Mosaic and trying to stay out of trouble.  We talked about the repercussions of what seems to be fun in the moment but leaves you feeling regretful in the morning and how he finally realized it isn't worth it.  He said he was just coming in for a case of beers and heading home.  Good for him!   We talked about how I'm now a middle school Culinary teacher and how he needs some lessons!  He just smiled the whole time and told me he really hoped we'd run into each other again.  

If I hadn't forgotten my wallet, I would have never run into him.  If my plans hadn't been changed, leading me to going to Walmart on a Friday night, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this right now.  One of the most famous verses in the Bible comes from Jeremiah as well.  It happens to be Jurnee's favorite verse.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  This verse was told in the midst of the Israelite’s exile in Babylon.  Things seemed pretty hopeless for them, but Jeremiah reminded them of the Truth.  The side bar on this verse in my Bible, The Jesus Bible, says, "Jeremiah wrote this letter to the people who had been sent into exile to assure them that God had a plan for them and that everything was going to work out for their good." The same is true for us.  He has a plan.  Even when things seem utterly hopeless. Even when we can't see it.   As the song "Way Maker" by Leeland says, "Even when I can't see it, you're working. Even when I can't feel it, you're working.  You never stop, you never stop working."  God is at work in our lives.  Even when we're being cussed out.  Even when our kids are sick.  Even when our plans are altered.  Even when we're forgetful.

Yesterday morning, in my 1st period class, I know God was working.  I am currently teaching a class that many kids want to take (unlike Intensive Reading 😂), but I only have so many spots.  Every student requested to be in the class and had to fill out a questionnaire, and then I had to weed through hundreds of forms to pick 96 students.  It was hard.  Most of the kids are so excited to be there and understand that they got a spot that was highly sought after, but in my 1st period, there is a group of girls that have been the cause of a bit of frustration on some days.  The previous day, they had been arguing about who should be Head Chef because none of them wanted to be.  This is cooking class and they didn't want to cook?!  I couldn't wrap my head around it.  Granted, they weren't on the level of cussing me out that Leo was on, but it was not sitting well with me.  There have been a lot of hard days this year where I'm wondering if I'm where I need to be, and this is just one example. 

Anyway, usually my class is what some refer to as "controlled chaos," even first thing in the morning, but yesterday, somehow, it was empty except for 2 of the girls in that group.  Everyone else had gone off on various assignments, selling “healthy” snacks, getting ice, running errands, and some kids just hadn't shown up yet.  I felt God telling me to talk to them.  So, I did.  Internally I was shaking.  I don't know if you've ever experienced that, but it reminded me to pray for God to give me the words, because I knew I didn't have the right ones.  I reminded them that they were chosen, but (like the Israelites) I couldn't make them want to be. They had to want to be there.  I gave them the option of staying or leaving but assuring them that I am a firm believer that every day is a new day.  As I already mentioned, Lamentations 3:22b-23a says, "For His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning."  If God loves me enough to forgive me and let me start fresh every morning, shouldn't I return that sentiment to others?  Needless to say, they chose to stay.  And yesterday was better.  I didn't think much about the significance of that happening until after running into Leo.  Then it all made sense.  God was working and weaving this beautiful story.  

This also reminds me of a song I was pretty obsessed with during my college days, "New Day" by Robbie Seay Band.  I haven't thought of this song in ages until today, but I mentioned before, I quote it without even realizing it, especially with my students.  The song says, "For yesterday's gone, and today is waiting on you to show your face," and then the chorus says, "And it might not be the prettiest thing that you'll ever see/But it's a new day, ah baby, it's a new day/And it might not look like a beautiful sunrise/But it's a new day, ah baby, it's a new day."  God promises new mercies every morning, even when we're in the pit, even when things aren't pretty.  And He can and will use us, even in the midst of it all.

The song also begins and ends with, "I'm gonna sing this song to let you know that you're not alone/And if you're like me, you need hope, coffee and melody."  Yesterday happened to be National Coffee Day, and I used to sing this song when I really needed hope. Yesterday also happened to be Aaron's birthday.  Back in my early 20s, I sang this song when I felt lost and alone and hopeless.  I didn't know it at the time, but God was definitely at work, even when I found myself in a very dark place (a story for another day).  I was where I needed to be, and God was at work for me.  I didn't feel it at the time, but He was working and He had plans for my future.  Who knew that as I sang this song of needing "hope, coffee, and melody" about feeling alone and needing hope, that my future spouse had been already been born on a day that would also one day be known as National Coffee Day? The irony isn't lost on me.  

I am far from perfect, both as a human and a teacher.  I struggle daily.  I let little things get to me. I have regrets.  I have days I want to quit.  But I pray that I'm making a difference, even on the hard days.  Even in the dark pits.  Even on the days I fail.  Even on the days I feel like giving up.  I hope all my students know that they are loved and chosen and accepted as they are, and they can start fresh every single day.  I hope all of you know that as well.  And I hope, if you're like me, running around like a chicken with your head cut off most days, that you know God has a purpose in it all.  Just like with Jeremiah in the cistern, it might not feel good, but He is using it for our good, and just like Jeremiah, may we remember as we cry out in the cisterns of life, to cry out to Him.  He can use us right where we are.  He can use us in our forgetfulness, in the mess, in the madness... IF we allow Him to.  There is meaning in it all.  There is a message He wants us to hear... and possibly even share.  And sometimes, being off track of where we think we should be (like I was in my Bible reading) is actually right on track for where God wants us to be.

Here's to finding Meaning and a Message in the Madness.

Thanks for reading.